Tag Archives: parenting

Tough Days

7 Sep

Lux is in the middle of teething, so her night time sleeping is sporadic at best, my husband is working nights and weekends to finish a project at work, Nova is in the midst of a hitting/biting/pinching/hair pulling phase that is driving me insane, and I don’t think I’ve slept more than 4 hours in the last 9 months. I love my life a great deal. I’m happy with where I am and what I have and I feel nothing but unbridled joy when I think about our little family and our dynamic together.

But some days are tough.

Today is a tough day. Yesterday was a tough day. In fact…this feels like a tough week. Nova and I have been struggling a lot this week, as I seem to be on the receiving end of most of her outbursts. That’s best case scenario, because I’m much more capable of deflecting toddler blows than her 9 month old sister, but it doesn’t make the days any less long or trying or occasionally leave me seeking solitude in the bathroom after the girls are asleep, head in my hands, fed up with research and consistency and getting advice from other parents and trying new things. Some nights, I’m just worn out, and I browse through old photos to remind myself that every stage is fleeting, and every moment passes.

For every difficult moment that we have lately, we have an equally wonderful and rewarding moment.

Lux and Nova played with the same toy, together, for a full 2 minutes.

Nova and Lux laughing


Lux and Nova


When all else fails, bath time is ALWAYS a riot.

bathtub laugh

bathtub kiss


bathtub reach

My oldest girl is gorgeous and wild and asserts herself as often as possible. She tests boundaries and pushes limits and her personality is the opposite of mine, which leaves me imagining many more tough moments in the future of our relationship. And I know she’s only 2, and things change, and I’m unbelievably proud of all of her accomplishments and the hurdles that her little brain jumps over every single day. We are both allowed to be frustrated, and we are both very forgiving.

So the journey to gentleness continues, and when we look back on these photos many, many years from now, the tough moments will be forgotten.

wild nova




The Names

27 Jul
Nova and Lux Newborn

Photos by Tamara Lakeman Photography and Jillian Kirby Photography.

My daughters have unusual names. That’s usually what people say when they first hear them. “Oh…that’s unusual.” Sometimes, if they’re really feeling nice they’ll swap “unusual” for “unique”. Every once in a while we encounter someone who OHMYGODLOVESITSOMUCH and those times are especially awesome. But mostly, I know they are unusual. I’m not offended when someone doesn’t like them, although one hopes that in such a situation the other party wouldn’t EXPRESS their dislike too openly. Let’s not forget…a lot of time, sweat, tears, anxiety, late nights pouring over baby books and internet lists, and of course, love, went into the selection of my children’s names.

I won’t lie. I mostly left naming them up to my husband. It felt like too much pressure for me and I have a tendency to over think these sorts of things. The man I married has wonderful intuition, and he is much more impulsive than I am, but surprisingly picky when it comes to names. I trusted him completely. We agreed that he could take the lead when it came to first names, and I would take on the much less noticeable but still meaningful task of selecting middle names, with spousal approval on both counts, of course.

I know that there is a lot of curiosity when it comes to unusual names, and I’m sure that out of sheer willpower and a modicum of social etiquette people often refrain from asking us, “Why? Why that name?! No really…WHY?!?!?” Let me put your minds at ease. I’ll tell you why…in great and tedious detail.

I hope that someday when my girls ask, “Seriously Mom…why did you slap this monicker on me?” I can direct them here.




Cale informed me prior to our marriage that if we ever had a girl her name would be Nova. I scoffed. It was too weird. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want people to judge me and make fun of her. I didn’t want to tell people my daughter’s name and see that look on their face that says, “Your kid is going to hate you.” I said no. Then we got married, got pregnant, and IT WAS A GIRL! I was totally stumped when it came to names. All of the lists I made as a younger girl slipped through the cracks in my pregnant brain. I wrote out the alphabet with a name I thought I loved beside each letter and threw each list away in revulsion at my own lack of creativity.

“Okay…”, I said, “Nova it is.”

I spent hours and hours and hours staring at my belly. Trying it out. “Nova, Nova, Nova, Nova, Nova.” I whispered it, tried it out while I was doing the dishes, and yelled it as if I were reprimanding my future child for hitting her sibling for the umpteenth time. I still didn’t like it. I searched and searched and searched for an alternative. People asked if we’d chosen a name and I said, “I suppose.” I DID. NOT. LIKE. NOVA!

Then she was born. And I loved it. Just as much as I loved her. I took one look at her little face and thought, “Hi Nova.”


Yes…We named her after the astronomical phenomenon…not the all too popular Chevy Nova, which I didn’t even know existed until after she was born. Wikipedia says,

“A supernova (abbreviated SN, plural SNe after “supernovae”) is a stellar explosion that is more energetic than a nova. It is pronounced /ˌspəˈnvə/ with the plural supernovae /ˌspəˈnv/ or supernovas. Supernovae are extremely luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often briefly outshines an entire galaxy, before fading from view over several weeks or months. During this short interval a supernova can radiate as much energy as the Sun is expected to emit over its entire life span.[1] The explosion expels much or all of a star’s material[2] at a velocity of up to 30,000 km/s (10% of the speed of light), driving a shock wave[3] into the surrounding interstellar medium. This shock wave sweeps up an expanding shell of gas and dust called a supernova remnant.

Nova means “new” in Latin, referring to what appears to be a very bright new star shining in the celestial sphere; the prefix “super-” distinguishes supernovae from ordinary novae which are far less luminous. The word supernova was coined by Walter Baade and Fritz Zwicky in 1931.[4]

Nova was our new baby. The Latin definition of her name was more than accurate, and the stellar connotations suited us just fine, since we’re both night sky nerds. Meaning wise, this was an easy, beautiful choice.


Cale and I are both of European descent. I wanted to pay tribute to our ethnic backgrounds as well as choosing a relatively standard, feminine alternative to Nova. I wanted something that sounded good. I wanted something that had a nice flow to it when you said her full name. And I wanted to tie her to me somehow. Originally, I was going to give her my middle name, which I share with many other women in my family, but there were so many “Nova Lynn/Lin/Lea/Linda”‘s already that I wanted her to be unique.

I chose Anastasia because it’s what Stacey is derived from. It’s long, it’s gorgeous, it has a wonderful meaning behind it, and of course, it’s royal.

Nameberry.com (my saving grace when it comes to names) says,

“Anastasia is no longer a forbidding regal Russian name, but is now seen as a viable — and increasingly popular — American option, elegantly beautiful. Anastasia’s greatest claim to fame is via the “lost” daughter of the last czar of Russia, whose story has been told and retold in books and movies. An old Greek name and also that of an ancient saint–the patron saint of weavers–Anastasia was well used in ancient Britain and in Ireland as well as Russia.”

If you’ve ever met Nova…that royal tendency exhibits itself in the form of an incredibly bossy, independent little lady. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she was in a position of power in a previous life. She has no problem telling the people in her life what to do.


For the first year of her life Nova slept more than any baby I’ve ever known. She slept in her own bed, in her own room, from 3 months on. She is exactly as you’d expect. Her personality is explosive and overwhelming. She has a small, delicate sort of beauty that completely transforms when she opens her giant mouth and shrieks wildly, destroying everything in her path. She’s as incontinent as a little person with ties to the night can be expected to be. Heaven forbid you disturb her slumber. She is delightful, and amazing, and new, and larger than life. Turns out, Nova suits her perfectly.

I really love the flurry of Nova related texts and facebook tags that followed her birth! Turns out, Nova’s are EVERYWHERE!!! Our family and friends embraced the name as if they’d chosen it themselves and were on the lookout! Apparently, you don’t have to look very hard. Ha.

She also happens to be a mini me! Initially, it looked like her Dad’s genes were leading the race, but as she gets older she is looking more and more like me, solidifying my choice to make her my name-sake. That, paired with her tendency towards introversion (also like me) make me more and more sure that we did the right thing when it came to her name. I have no regrets.


I am on the left, Nova is on the right. Yes…that’s the same dress.




It’s no secret amongst our nearest and dearest that we were crossing our fingers and toes for boys. We wanted an army of male children running around our house, smashing our things and generally causing mayhem. Of course…we have been blessed (or cursed) with two girls. We were SHOCKED to find out that we were having a second girl. My clearly horrendous Mommy intuition was screaming BOY! But no…she was VERY obviously a girl. We were at a complete loss when it came to names.

It had to be short, but unique, but not weird, but pretty, but, but, but, but…

It was too exhausting for me. So I left it up to Cale.

We tossed around Sierra, Maeve, Arya, and Willow. No, no, no, no, no. Nothing was right. Finally…we settled on Sierra. We told everyone we had the name, it was a secret, to be revealed on her birth day, just like Nova’s. But even though I didn’t hate it it just didn’t feel right. Sierra, Sierra, Sierra. No. Back to square one.

Finally, one night before bed, Cale turned to me and asked, “What are a few different words for light in other languages?”

I replied, “In Latin it’s Lux.”

And he said, “That’s it. I love it.”

I…hated it.

Was he serious?!?! Our families were going to HATE it. We were going to be known as “the weird couple whose children hate them”. There was no way I was going to be able to say that out loud to people without feeling like a complete failure as a parent. Really?! We couldn’t just go with Stephanie? Or Laura?!?! What the hell is the matter with us?! I was in agony. It was even worse than Nova. What was I going to tell my Grandmother?! Oh god.

And then she was born. And Lux…in all of her 9lb 3oz glory, opened her eyes and looked at me and I thought to myself, “Hi beautiful, little Lux. I’m so excited to meet you.”


Lux means “light”. It fit all the criteria we needed it to, and it’s more popular than you think.


Lux has two middle names. I was worried that her first name sounded too masculine. Too short and hard, too final. I wanted her to have a middle name that was feminine and graceful and a little tricky to pronounce. I wanted it to be a little complicated, because her first name was so simple.

We chose Calliope.

Since Nova’s middle name essentially contained mine within it,, I wanted Lux’s to be reflective of her father, so we were searching for names beginning with a “Cal/Cale” sound, or containing those specific letters. We both liked Calliope, and it fit the bill. It means “beautiful voice”. “Calliope is the name of the muse of epic poetry — and also the musical instrument on the merry-go-round. Bold and creative, it would not be the easiest name for a girl lacking such qualities.” (Thanks Nameberry.)

The pronunciation was stolen from Grey’s Anatomy, which I began watching at the tail end of my pregnancy. I heard “Cal-eye-oh-pee” spoken sternly from one of the characters and thought, “That’s what her middle name was missing.” We’d both been struggling with saying “Cal-ee-oh-pee”. It just didn’t feel right. The new sound was perfect. Thanks Grey’s. For that, and so much more.

Linda is my middle name. It’s the name I share with so many German matriarchs who have come before me. I will admit that in a panic, I convinced myself that I was never having another girl child, or possibly any children ever again, and couldn’t stand the idea of zero of my progeny continuing the tradition of carrying on this meaningful name (it translates to “pretty”). So it fell to Lux.


Lux…the complete opposite of her sleep loving sister, literally kept us awake for the first 2 months of her life. She REFUSED to sleep. She wanted to be in constant contact with another human being at all times. Rocking, bouncing, eating, talking, cooing, smiling, existing. You couldn’t put her down. My back and legs burned. Our exercise ball came with us EVERYWHERE because the thought of having to use the power of my weak thighs alone to keep her up was incredibly daunting. And she just kept growing!!! She was like a weed! She remained in the 97th percentile for EVERYTHING consistently…and still does! She soaks up sunshine like it’s going out of style. Go figure.

If Nova is tied to the night, then Lux, as her name would suggest, thrives in the day. She STILL wakes up every two hours, without fail, just to smile, eat, and make sure that we’re all still here.

As far as her “beautiful voice”? Trust me…we’ve heard it. We hear it all day long. Chatting, crying, screaming, screeching, laughing, babbling. I LOVE her voice. I love how VOCAL she is. It’s incredible to witness! Plus…she’s just a blonder, blue eyed clone of her Daddy. We nailed it on that front.

Cale and Lux Babies

Don’t let their face shapes fool you. That mouth and nose are ALL her Dad’s. Not to mention the short legs and ridiculously long torso. Give me a break.

Linda tied everything together! The repetition of the “L” made her full name feel complete to me, where before it felt like it was missing something. Although we added it on impulse, I’m so glad that we did. I feel that it’s also a reminder that although her features are much larger than her sisters, her eyes smaller, her cheeks rounder, both of our girls are beautiful. And I hope that sharing a name with me will make her feel special in spite of being the second, or someday, middle child, who so often goes over-looked.

Once again…I have no regrets. And I love seeing her name printed out.

SO! Rest assured gentle readers. These unusual/unique/wonderful/terrible names were not chosen arbitrarily, or even just for the sake of abnormality. We actually DID put a lot of thought, and love, into their selection and low and behold, I am much slower to judge those who favor unusual names as I understand the dilemma, and the private war that happens in a Mommy’s (or Daddy’s) brain while she struggles to find the one word in all the world that will define her child for the rest of its life. It’s not easy, and it’s not without careful discussion and introspection.

So the next time you hear an unusual name, take a minute, and just say that you love it. Leave your criticisms and critiques behind closed doors away from these anxious, loving parents. I guarantee you, no one knows better than they do all of the ways that their parenting can ruin a perfectly wonderful child. In fact…that’s probably a good policy no matter WHAT sort of name you come across…from Alice to A’less.

But don’t be afraid to ask where it came from. It’s my favorite question.

Being a Dad

1 Jul

“One of the greatest things about daughters is how they adored you when they were little; how they rushed into your arms with electric delight and demanded that you watch everything they do and listen to everything they say.  Those memories will help you through less joyous times when their adoration is replaced by embarrassment or annoyance and they don’t want you to see what they are doing or hear what they are saying. And yet, you will adore your daughter every day of her life, hoping to be valued again, but realizing how fortunate you were even if you only get what you already got.”

-Michael Josephson

One of the most wonderful things about watching my husband be the father of our daughters is that he has no expectations of them. No grand designs. No great dreams. He wakes up every morning and waits to see what they’ll do for the day. Where they’ll take him. What path they’d like to travel on. I can’t imagine they will ever let him down or disappoint him because he doesn’t think they should be anyone besides who they are. They should simply like the things they like and do the things they want to do and he will be there to love them, guide them, and advise them if it’s necessary.

His greatest strength as a parent, and one of the reasons why we are a good team, is that he allows them to fall, but is always there to kiss their boo boos.

Watching the man I love tenderly helping our  children put band-aids on their bruises is one of the more heart-wrenching things I’ve had the pleasure of enduring in my life.



Happy Father’s Day. Our ladies are lucky to have you, and so am I.

Lux – 5 Months

5 Jun



There is nothing like parenting to really hammer into your head how fleeting time is, how precious every moment is, and how quickly life can pass you by while you were busy watching Buffy and consuming instant noodles instead of uploading your photos and taking your kids to the park. Time is measured between naps and baths and how long you have to look up a healthy recipe for toddlers that they’ll definitely throw on the floor instead of eating and you’ll find yourself debating whether or not you should just pick it up and eat it or if there’s too much cat hair on the floor for that to be sanitary.

This is my life now.

Measurements of time, of love, of quiet, of noise, of parks, of sunburns and strawberry smeared smiles.



Lux is amazing. She never fails to find a way to be her sister’s complete opposite. When Nova wants to cuddle, Lux wants to explore the floor on her belly, sliding off of her playmats and onto the hardwood where she inevitable finds the grossest thing I missed to put into her mouth. Her baby babble is loud and high pitched and makes me laugh every time I hear it. She has so much to say and doesn’t care who is listening. (She reminds me a lot of my sister, heh.)


As her Auntie Janet very aptly put it, “She has so many expressions for someone without eyebrows!” I love her face. I love her chubby cheeks, full lips, and her little earlobes. I could literally devour her and I would feel VERY happy about that accomplishment.

She’s becoming an incredibly easy-going baby. Learning to sleep in many different situations and environments, eager to interact with her surroundings but not so desperate that if she can’t we don’t have to immediately leave. She’ll happy sit and watch everyone for hours, then pop her little thumb into her little mouth and drift off to sleep.



Her smile is absolutely infectious and her laugh, oh my, her laugh is the sort of laugh that makes every spare inch of fat jiggle delightfully. You cannot help but catch that laugh and pass it on. She is the perfect foible to her sister who tests our limits every day, in every possible way, and gives us a brief calm in the storm that is raising a two year old. I only have to look at her sweet face to be reminded that it hasn’t always been this way, and it won’t last long. It wasn’t long ago that Nova was smiling up at me from her perch in the exact same bouncy seat, content to watch me entertain myself with mindless “busy work” while we waited for her Dad to get home from work.



Cale goes back to work on Monday. I’m both dreading and looking forward to taking on the bulk of our childcare myself. In some ways, the routine and consistency will be very good for these ladies, and in other ways, I’m afraid that I’ll become the one they butt heads with the most, since I’ll be there for all of the ins and outs of their day. Right now our parenting duties are split pretty evenly, in fact, they’re stacked a little in my favor because I leave for work and he stays home, but now the scales will tip and I hope that being more of a disciplinarian isn’t going to negatively impact the good relationship we’ve forged. One of my favorite moments over the last 6 months has been coming home to Nova’s “Hi Mom!” and Lux’s little face splitting into a dopey grin that I can’t help but smoosh. Now those end of the day looks and greetings will be all for my darling husband, who deserves them, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to miss having them both be so excited to see me at the end of the day. Now I imagine there will be days when they’ll be happy to get a break from me, and although I know it’s a thing that has to happen, and I need a break from them too sometimes, it’s still a bit bittersweet.



Luckily, they’re stuck with me, so they’ll be getting smooshed no matter what.


Mother’s Day

15 May

Mother’s Day 2013 was amazing.

At midnight Cale presented me with a beautiful, thoughtful card, a gift card hidden inside of it that I cannot wait to use. Then it was time for me to cozy into the covers and relax with Pinterest and Android games on my phone with Lux snuggled up next to me while he was off to make breakfast. When I finally dragged myself and our delightful baby out of bed we joined Nova on the couch for the tail end of Bubble Guppies and cute cuddles.

Playtime, playtime, playtime.


After naps, it was time to go to Miss Hanna P.’s 4th birthday party. My inner child had been excited for weeks. I was not at ALL disappointed. At most family gatherings and backyard barbecues, I am the weirdo hanging out with all the kids, listening to their crazy, made up stories, asking them questions about their days, playing with their toys, and hoping to form a very non-creepy but dancing along that line relationship with these little marvels. FINALLY…I was going to a child’s birthday party. (Something having children of my own has finally given me full license to do.)


Hanna is my friend Taryn‘s daughter. Taryn and I went to high school together. In fact, Taryn was my platonic prom date. I thought that I would have more fun with her than any of the super lame, gross boys we went to school with. I was 100% right. Taryn is the kind of friend that you desperately want to have. She’s kind, loving, soft-spoken, beautiful, and so open minded and accepting that it is difficult to do wrong by her. She will excuse even the most abhorrent of behavior and put an incredibly gentle twist on it, forgiving them with an understanding tilt of her head and some beautiful turn of phrase. Taryn makes me feel loved.

Although outwardly we seem so different, inwardly our lives have been running on a bizarre parallel and our paths seem to cross no matter what stage of life we’re in. Running into her in parks near where we grew up, finding her standing on my door step after I moved out, spending summers climbing trees and hanging out in kiddie pools, and then, the text, “Call me!!!”

I admit, I put off calling. I was about to get on the skytrain, it had been a long day, I was tired, I’m not good at talking on the phone on a good day. I called a few days later when I guiltily remembered that I hadn’t.

“I’m pregnant!!!”

There are no words to describe the absolute, unbridled JOY I felt for Taryn. I know how much love she has inside of her and I was sending up a silent ‘Thank you’ to whomever was listening that some lucky little baby was going to have her as a Mom. And from what she’d told me, Syx was going to be an incredible father. It’s tough to say if I’ve ever seen a couple more perfectly suited for one another than these two. They continuously amaze me and inspire me with their relationship and the relationship they have with their children.

I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful friend, and so privileged that it’s not one sided. She likes me too!!! I hope that I am able to be a part of her and her family’s lives for many, many wonderful years to come.

Hanna’s party was incredible. There was pin the cutie mark on the pony, a delightful array of food, delicious ice cream cake, and delectable babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers all over the place!!! I got to see the beautiful Phanie, who never ceases to amaze me with her honest, incredible blogging and parenting,  amazing, ring pop kisses on the cheek from Moses, played Peek-a-boo with Chloe, rubbed noses with Armenie, met Jackie’s beautiful, chubby little baby, who is just a week apart from Lux, and the birthday girl even wanted to sit with ME at the end of the day, which let’s face it, made my year. That’s a pretty special moment, yáll. It was a perfect afternoon.






Nova, in her princess party outfit, found a toy on wheels she liked and sticky fingered it into our car! (Not to worry, we were about to return it when it was graciously gifted to us. Ha!) Every time I see it I am reminded of what an awesome day we had.

And it only got better!

After the party we headed over to Cale’s Dad’s for tacos! I was honored when they asked ME to choose the menu! They were delicious, as usual, and I was absolutely touched and delighted by a giant bag full of goodies! Chocolates, tabloids and a pair of very sweet earrings that had been picked out for my graduation from Library Sciences. Since I’m not longer pursuing a literary avenue, I got them for mother’s day. Two adorable book earrings. I just love them and the thoughtful lady they came from.

Nova was being extra charming, playing with her toys, eating like a champ, and lying on the floor to watch The Fox and the Hound. She was so tired but really putting on a brave face for us. I just love her.

Then it was time to head home for a foot rub and some mindless tv for Mom. We just got into Suburgatory and I have to say, I’m loving it.



I’m sure that the gushy Mom posts are only going to get worse as we get closer to Nova’s second birthday, so you’ll have to forgive me for my emotions and bleeding heart when I say that I have been waiting my entire life to be a Mom, and I’m finding it to be the greatest experience of my life. Better than skydiving, or traveling, or the best book I’ve ever read. These beauties fill my heart and my life in a way I never even imagined was possible, and I thought it would be a lot. It’s not always easy, or fun, or even all that good. Sometimes I cry, and scream into a pillow, and curse my own body, and wonder what the hell I was thinking, and then I see their sweet faces and I can’t imagine not looking into their eyes every single day, or pressing my lips into their soft palms, or wiping away their crocodile tears.

They make it worth it, every time, and I’m so grateful and happy that I get to share this journey, and these emotions with other Mom’s and anyone who loves ANYONE or ANYTHING with their whole heart. It’s not easy to go outside of yourself and be thinking about the needs of another living thing to an infinite degree but these amazing men and women do it every single day, and they do it unquestioningly, because it’s unfathomable not to.

So here’s to all of you. Thank you for inspiring me and showing me how to be the best Mother I can be, and for supporting me on the days I feel like I can’t be.


Nova – 21 Months

19 Apr


Nova is continuously amazing and astounding us. Cale and I often stare at one another in complete bewilderment as she masters another skill, learns another word, climbs onto another previously insurmountable piece of furniture. The rate at which she is learning and growing and adapting is incredible to behold. I can’t believe she used to be so small and helpless and now she shakes her head at my offers of help and has an incredible determination to do things on her own that makes me proud and a little afraid at the same time.


I’m getting very excited planning her second birthday party, which she will no doubt ignore completely in favor of hitting the slide/swings/sand at the park. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Ha. We’re discovering more and more things that she enjoys that give us 10 or sometimes even 20 whole minutes to put her baby sister to bed, make lunch or just so that I can run a brush through my hair. (A process in and of itself, oye.)


Our house looks like children’s books, pop-up circus tents, tiny pink socks littering the floor, little finger prints smudging the hardwood, cupboards and mirrors, plastic figurines and electronic pianos.


Caught mid-sneeze. LOL!

It sounds like screams and laughter and the “thump-thump-thump” of little toddler feet running up and down and up and down and up and down. Head bonks and hugs. Kisses and a sweet little voice saying, “Ow.” “Cat, yeah, cat!” “Mom, yeah, Mom!” “Bubba Gup, yeah, Mom!”


When Nova was born I couldn’t believe that my heart could stretch as much as my swollen belly, fingers and feet already had, but I amazed myself when I discovered that I had stretch marks there as well as littering my body. I find that with each new thing she does or says it stretches even farther, and I imagine that it will only keep on growing as I find the room to include my amazement at her sister’s achievements as well.


I’m reading so many blogs written by so many Mom’s, each with their own take on motherhood and parenting. Each with a different philosophy in how to attack problems, distract toddlers, and make time to take care of themselves. I’m learning so much and feeling so connected in a way I never thought possible before. I’ve noticed, however, that the general consensus is that becoming a Mother changes you forever, inside and out, and you will never, ever be the same. I find that though I think fondly on the girl/woman I was before I had Nova I don’t miss her at all. I feel like my life has an incredible purpose completely outside of myself and it motivates me constantly to be a bigger, better, smarter, faster, more streamlined version of me. I’m grateful to my children every day for the opportunity to be MORE for their sake and for mine.

I live in a constant state of amusement and amazement. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.



18 Aug


Nova was sick on Wednesday night. I haven’t seen her throw up with a toddler’s digestive system so to say it hit me hard is a complete understatement. The fear and pain in her eyes while her little tummy contracted and her arms and legs shook was enough to tip me over the edge and I swallowed back tears while I rubbed her back and held her head up through the night.

She is feeling like her old, cheerful self again after a round of replenishing electrolytes, but this Mama is still a little shaken up by the imagery that keeps flitting through my sleep deprived, hormone infused brain. There are some things you just can’t prevent. But I hope that she will remember my touch and voice in moments like these and call out for me or her Dad, just like I still wish my Mom was around when I’m not feeling well.

This is part of the job. It goes hand in hand with discipline, hugs, and playtime at the park. I will be here for you when you are scared and sick and need me to be. I’m your Mama.